A fictionalized account of the conversation between Mike Schmidt, Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman, and a Topps photographer, Spring Training 1981:
Mike Schmidt: So you're here to take my picture for my 1982 Topps cards? That's great.
Topps Photographer: Yes, sir. I was thinking maybe if you just kneel over there on the grass with your bat and then . . .
MS: Have you seen my 1981 Topps card? It. Is. Awesome. Years from now, the youth of today will publicly celebrate the glory that is that baseball card.
TP: Of course they will. If you could maybe just look at the camera over here . . .
MS: It's the eye black you know. Kids dig it. And I look as if I'm shouting something important, something critical to the game. I'll tell you a little secret though - I was yelling at Del Unser.
TP: OK . . . could you just raise your chin slightly up and to the right? Wait. Del Unser?
MS: I was yelling at Del Unser in the dugout. He was messing with my eye black supply and I wasn't about to have that happen. Pinch hitters don't need eye black. Everybody knows that.
TP: Right . . . Well, I think I'll just snap a few more quick head shots and be on my way, so if you could just turn a little to the left . . .
MS: Wait, should I put on some eye black?
TP: Actually, I think I'm good to go . . . I need to get a few shots of George Vukovich, Dickie Noles and Marty Bystrom and then I'm done for the day.
MS: Do you want me to look like I'm about to field a sharp grounder or do you need a shot of me in my batter's stance? Wait . . . that's it? I didn't even stand up! Do you want me to yell at Unser again?